Focus and Hope

Today was an interesting day for me and I am heading to bed feeling very contemplative. 

It all started yesterday at 5pm. I had to drink a GALLON, yes a gallon, of prescription colon cleanser to prep for the colonoscopy I had this morning. This was my 3rd time doing a "colon cleanse" and was by far the worst! Before I even started the drink (which tasted like the salt water I garggle with a sore throat) I was defeated mentally.  I just knew that I wouldn't be able to finish it. The first 3 hours were awful. It didn't work like it was supposed to and I got incredibly sick with "rare" side effects from it. I am so thankful for my sister in law and my friend who were untraumatized by my graphic text messages asking for  prayer and about what was happening.

Things finally started working right. After spend a good two hours chatting back with a friend, who truly is the best friend ever, I was laughing, calmed down, relaxed and feeling God's incredible prescence of peace.

Matt got me dropped off at the Outpatient Surgery Center and headed to go keep the kids occupied. The nurses were all very nice, the doctor reminded me of my grampa and the phlebotomist got my IV started on the first try (the first time ever). I was feeling very calm but could feel my anxiety level starting to rise.

They wheeled me into the surgical room and my heart started racing. They were getting everything ready and I was just lying there on the table watching. I kept trying to focus on Jesus, something I always do. But nothing. It was like my mind was scattered.  A secular song was running through my head and as much as I tried to cover over it with worship songs I couldn't.  I began to pray in tongues in my head as the Medical Assistant strapped the mouth guard/guide for the endoscopy on my mouth, I was still fully awake and conscious, no sedative or medication had been given to me yet. That's when I lost it.

When I came to in the recovery area my face was crusted with dried tears. I had horrible memories of the procedures, memories that I was supposed to have been medication to sleep through. I was in pain, squirming on the table in pain, crying, and trying to talk but I couldn't.  It is the most horrible set of memories that I have.

What happened? It is so odd to me that I lost focus spiritually. God is my rock. He is the one thing that I have always, ALWAYS clung to and looked towards. When I miscarried our twins in June I didn't hear from God for 3 days. But even during that time I never lost focus of looking and searching for Him.

I'm not mad at God. I don't feel abandoned or betrayed. I don't feel alone. I just feel baffled. This morning is like a big mystery to me.

I had a hard time understanding and accepting the results they found. I have a history of Ulcerative colitis and was expecting to hear it was back and that I possibly had some damaged esophagus lining from so much acid reflux over the years. To hear that they found an ulcer on my tonsil (seriously, is that even possible?), that I had a stomach polyp (which they removed and sent to the lab), and that I had a hiatal hernia (which is why I have so much trouble swallowing) was a toal shocker. Then they found no ulcers or signs of colitis in my intestines, but took a bunch of biopsies was the final straw. I started bawling, asking them to call my husband. I have been in so much discomfort and pain that it was hard to hear they still didn't know what was causing the intestinal troubles.

Now that I am home and lying in bed, I just feel lost. I have a horrid scratch on the back of my throat and every swallow feels like razor blades. The lump in my throat makes me almost gag when I lie down and the burning in my stomach is awful. I have spent the day between falling asleep (I got no sleep last night) and crying and doing research. I am exhausted and worn out. As Bilbo Baggins would say, "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter over too much bread."

Pain wears on us. Discouragement wears on us. The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. It is true. In this trying time, as I look down the road at many more dr appointments, specialists and procedures; it is so important that I don't lose hope. "But now, LORD, what do I look for? My hope is in You." (Ps 39:7)

I may lose my focus, and my body may fail; but I will NOT lose my hope. "I remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living." (Ps. 27:13).