Sometimes there are no words to explain. Some moments are too heavy for words. And more and more I am adding to my list of unanswered questions.
It has been a week of unanswered questions, sorrow and pain. But in the middle of this week, Jesus is still there. God is still good. His promises are still true.
We had another miscarriage. Yes, another one. We now have twice as many kids in heaven as we do on Earth.
It's been 15 months since our last pregnancy and miscarriage. Fifteen months spent grieving, healing and looking forward.
After my previous miscarriage I really struggled with even wanting to try again for another child. I was terrified of going through one again. I didn't think that I would survive another one. My heart was broken, devastated. And God, ever the gentleman, let me grieve. He walked beside me as I waded my way though muddy ground and watched me as I struggled to keep my head above deep waters. Then He came to me in a way I never expected.
I was singing along to a song in the car, "I won't run, when it looks like love. I won't hide beneath the fear of how the past has come undone." And God whispered, "Then why are you running now?" My heart stopped. He was so right. I had been running, running from life and running with fear. He whispered again, "You are willing to love a foster child, even if that means you only have them in your home for a short time, even a day. If I ask you to love someone, it shouldn't be based on how long you will know them. What difference is a couple of days, a few months or a lifetime? If you are willing to do that for someone else's child then why not your own?"
Those soft and gentle words cut into my heart like a knife. Just like God met Elijah at the cave in the mountains, God met me with a gentle whisper. And that gentle whisper changed my heart, in a way that only His gentle whispers can.
One of my friends recently asked me, "What would you do if you had another miscarriage? What would your faith look like if that happened?"
My response was this, "I love how God's presence makes our hearts come undone. There is no hiding with Him. I know that He is good, that He works all things out for good, and that He is the redeemer of all things. I know all of those things and truly believe them. That belief is my anchor, my hope, the only thing that keeps me moving through dark times. But that knowing doesn't take away the pain. God said that He would wipe every tear from our eyes, He didn't say we would never have them. "
And here I am, crying those tears that I hoped to never cry again. Crying tears that no one should ever have to cry. But even through those tears, my heart is steadfast. It may be broken, but it is steadfast. God is just as good today as He was a week ago. He loves me as much today as He did last week.
During the last two days, when we had a definite answer, I have felt such love. Two of my friends surrounded me, sat with me while I cried. Both of them, at separate times, told me, "I don't even know what to say right now, because there really isn't anything to say that will make it better, or make it hurt less. But I am here, and I will sit with you while you are sad." I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful for someone telling me that it was okay to be sad. For someone just being there with me, even late at night.
One of them asked me, "Where do you feel like God is right now?"
Through my tears, I replied, "I know He is right here. He is right here, hovering above me. I can't see Him, and I can't hear Him. But I can feel Him. And I am going to continue moving forward, looking for Him and waiting for Him to speak."
That's where I am right now. I am waiting for that gentle whisper. The gentle whisper that takes the broken pieces of my heart and binds them together. The gentle whisper that says, "I am here."
A friend shared this video with me a week ago. I love it. It perfectly sums up where I am and how I feel. Because at the end of the day, even when tears fall, I will still praise Jesus.
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