This has been a week of ups and downs. It's been a week of just putting one foot in front of the other. A week of wiping tears. A week of choosing to look for something good.
I'll be honest, I spent most of the weekend in pajama pants and I think I've eaten about 2,000 calories total in the last 6 days.
Saturday night I barely slept and was up early Sunday morning. I debated back and forth about going to church or not. It's not that I didn't want to go to church, I just didn't want to cry in front of anyone and I really didn't want to get out of my sweats.
I got showered and dressed (in clothes other than pajamas) and we made it to church. I am so thankful that I made it to church because God met me in a way that I never expected.
Now, I love worship. Like seriously, I LOVE worship! One of the main things I am looking forward to in Heaven is worshiping non-stop. I love that moment when we abandon ourselves and our praise lifts the veil between us and God and His presence comes like a whirlwind.
Worship started and I rose to my feet. A choice. I chose to stand and offer praise to my God. I couldn't sing, I couldn't clap or dance. All I could do was raise my hands and whisper over and over, "You are good. You are good. Your love is always enough." That was all I had to say. At that moment that was everything I had to give.
As the second song started, and to be honest I have no idea what any of the songs sung that day were, and something broke. I felt God's love in such a strong and tangible way. It came as that intense love that only He can bring. The weight was so heavy on my shoulders that I could barely stand. I stood there, wobbling and shaking under the weight of His love whispering, "You are holy, and worthy and good. Your love is enough for me."
And then, after all the darkness and silence of the week, I finally saw something....
I saw my little girl. She was standing in the garden in Heaven holding my Grandpa Thomas' hand. She is beautiful! She looks so much like Gabriella, but without the dimple and with straight very white colored blond hair that was up in two little pigtails sticking straight out to the sides. She was about 3 years old and her dress was the most brilliant white.
She looked at me shyly from behind my Grandpa's hand. Then started stealing smiles at me. Soon she was blowing kisses and started twirling around to show me her pretty dress.
Letting go of my Grandpa's hand she ran towards me and grabbed my hands. She wrapped them around herself. She was squealing and giggling and laughing the whole time. I was rapt watching her dance and seeing how happy she was. I could have stood there forever holding her and watching her dance and twirl. The sound of her giggle was like the sound of rain that ends a drought.
It was beautiful.
The moment I first saw her face, I lost it. In all the hurt and sadness that I have down here, she has none of that in Heaven, She has only ever known Jesus. She knows that I am her mommy and she knows that I love her. But she has only ever known perfect love, joy, acceptance, delight and laughter.
God turned my gaze away from her and took my hand. He showed me how she looked when she was inside my womb still. It was horrible. Her arm and leg were deformed and blackened. They were curled up and jagged and looked like tree stumps that had been burned and broken. My heart just broke. I cried and cried, in an deep, deep way that I have never cried before. God did know what what was best. He did do the "good" thing. Taking my little girl to Heaven was the best thing that anyone could have ever done for her, and as a parent I understand that.
Again, God turned my gaze,
I watched as Jesus came and rescued her from inside me. As He took her spirit from her broken body she began to transform. I watched her broken body grow into a beautiful and whole new one. And there she was, dancing and laughing and jumping. He took something so broken and made something perfectly beautiful out of it.
I was undone.
There are moments when we get a glimpse. A glimpse into that eternal picture that is greater than us. A glimpse into the reality of eternal life. And for those moments, when God chooses to show us glimpses, I am so grateful.
I am still here and I am still sad. But I don't question. I am not angry or bitter. I know that her going straight to Heaven was for the best.
I know the moment she left me was the best moment of her life because she opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was Jesus.
I am so thankful that God met me in my brokenness to show me the goodness that He has stored up in Heaven. He cares for us and carries us in our darkest moments. Waiting on Him is sometimes long, and sometimes we never get answers. It is dark and sad. But in those moments when He meets us, it makes all the hurt and sorrow melt away.
I am not a fan of crying in front of people, and completely losing it is even worse. But in the moment when God meets your broken heart with a kiss from Heaven; *sigh* I would cry in front of the entire world for.
I still have the grief side of things to walk through. Knowing that she is perfect and whole doesn't take away my sadness, it just gives meaning to the grief. But I know at the end of every day that God truly is good, that His love is always enough and He is worthy of it all!
or by hand. Once they are peeled, cored and cut, toss them into a large, heavy bottomed stock pot with about an inch of water on the bottom. Turn heat to medium and continue prepping apples and adding them to the pot of water as they are ready. Once the pot is completely filled, cover with a lid and turn heat down to medium-low. 
to run your applesauce through. If you are opting to add cinnamon, do so now. And just add it to taste. 
and process in a hot water bath (add water to canner until it is one inch above the top of the jars, place lid loosely over the top of canner but do not lock closed). Process for 15 minutes for pints and 20 minutes for quarts. 
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and it works so quick and all the apples are sliced uniformly. Put them in a bowl as you are slicing them. Once you have one sliced up, sprinkle on all the remaining filling ingredients. Then stir the remaining slices in as you are slicing them. The seasonings and flour will keep the apples from turning brown. 
. Using the parchment paper, fold the dough over on itself several times (this creates layers of the dough which adds in air and translates to flakiness once it is cooked). Next, roll the dough into a smooth ball (smooth edges on the dough make for smooth edges on the crust). 
