A Dangerous Prayer

Some days it hurts to breathe.  Somedays the rain falling matches perfectly the tears from our eyes that just don't seem to end. Some days it feels like the whole world is falling apart; and that's because it is.

The more you look around you the more suffering, sorrow and madness you see. Children dying of cancer, old men in a shell of their former body struggling to remember who the person sitting across the table from them is, persecution, murder, babies born sleeping, people starving to death, hate, greed, destruction, disease, chaos, wars, young girls are forced into sex slavery and violence rages on around us while we watch.

At times the sorrow seems unbearable. Every time I hear of a baby born sleeping, a person dying slowly from an agonizing disease, watch my Grandpa with dementia, or any other senseless act of evil it makes me cry. There are days and moments when the sorrow of this world is just too much for me.

Nine years ago in Mozambique, on my face in the dirt, I begged God for every part of His heart. I begged Him to let me know His heart in the fullness of His joy and the depths of His suffering. I wanted to have things hurt me that hurt Him, and to feel His pride when things brought Him honor. I wanted my heart to beat to the same rythym of His and not for one minute to live any other way. At the time, our fearless leader Leslie-Ann Leighton told us that was a dangerous prayer.  I heard her say that and I thought to myself, "its time for the world to have dangerous Christians." And I still firmly believe that. Not for one moment would I choose to take back that prayer.

So here I am, 9 years and a million tears later. My friend lost her baby two days ago. I know that it broke God's heart because it broke mine. There are thousands of Christians,  including children, being mutilated and persecuted in other countries. I know that breaks God's heart because mine is breaking too.  We live in a broken world, and it should matter to us. There are people hurting and dying every second, and it should matter to us. The problem with our world isn't what is going on in it; the problem is that it doesn't matter to us.

If we truly want to know God, to know His heart; that means the down times too. That means sitting with God while He cries, that's what He does with us. Our relationship with God is designed to be intimate, more intimate than our relationship with our spouse. When my husband's father died unexpectedly last year I sat up all night and cried with him. Have you ever done that with God? Have you ever spent a night unable to sleep because of the sorrow your Savior was experiencing?

The world has enough apathy. The church has turned a blind eye and deaf ear for too many years. In our technological age social interaction has become limited and avoidable. And while you may insist that your smartphone or Ipod doesn't hamper your relationships, did you realize that God doesn't text? He won't tag you in His Facebook status update or tweet at you. His LinkedIn profile doesn't exist.

Its easier than ever to avoid the negativity in this world. But the One you were made to be one with doesn't avoid it. He experiences it over and over every day. He cries for the brokenhearts and lives lost.

Do I expect one person to change the world? Will any one person actually end human trafficking or stop the persecution of Christians in the Middle East? Of course not. But the church can.

God tells us in the Bible that "the prayers of a righteous man avails much." Jesus died for us to make us righteous in God. So there you go; you are made righteous in Jesus which means that your prayers can change the world!

Be bold,  pray a dangerous prayer! Ask God to give you His heart, and then when He gives it to you, DO SOMETHING WITH IT! Start praying when you feel God's heart breaking. Release prayers that bring hope, peace and life. We can't change the world on our smartphones, but we sure can change it on our knees.

A Week of Healing

It's been a week of healing. I've spent most of my time at home, laying low and having lots of snuggles and giggles with my kiddos.

My morning sickness/nausea has mostly passed, my stomach is almost back to normal and my physical pain is mostly gone. My heart is slowly healing and I am so thankful for all of the prayers and love that everyone has sent my way.

Gabriella and Xander have been so sweet to me. Gabriella has a very sensitive little heart and she can tell when something is wrong. She has been giving me lots of hugs and comes over randomly and rubs my head. It is hard to be too sad with such a sweet little girlie loving on me all day. 

We did go for a visit to Gramma and Grampa's house. The kids had some popcorn and watched "A Snoodle's Tale" (Veggie Tales movie). 

I'm going to be teaching a couponing workshop tomorrow and was getting the projector hooked up to my computer to show my slideshow. After I was done I put on a Veggie Tales movie and put it up on the ceiling. Gabriella came out and saw it and said, "wow! That's amazing!"

Xander laughed and laughed when Matt held him up to the ceiling. He thought it was great fun to be able to grab at the giant vegetables. 

While we move on with our lives, it is hard knowing that we are missing two little parts of it. But I also take comfort through my tears, knowing that those two little parts we are missing are perfect and safe. They are with Jesus. In the time between now and seeing them forever, it is just a blink to them. They aren't sad or missing me. They are happy and joyful, completely full of love and life. 

This sums it up nicely. 

We will always love you, Timmy and Titus, and look forward to holding you again!

~Love Mommy and Daddy

Our Twins

It's been a rough week. Without going into a lot of details, it sums up simply as: I had a miscarriage with twins. I was heartbroken to say the least. Tears flowed and flowed and no matter how I tried I just couldn't stop them.

Looking for God in the situation was so difficult. In my grief, I continued to look at Him. His eyes were hidden from me, but I knew they were on me. It was a "dark night of the soul" moment for me, a testing of all that was instilled in me this last year.

After three days of silence from God, He met me in the most beautiful moment.

I was at our church's women's retreat and lying down in the soaking room. I didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to show my tears, and didn't want to have to pretend like I was fine. As I laid on the floor I saw myself surrounded by angels. Angels who were gentle and strong. I stood there surrounded by them and just breathed, in and out, as everything around me came to a stop. All the swirling emotions and thoughts from the last few days and the last year. One of the angels whispered to me, "this is a safe place", and I knew they were right. I haven't been in a safe place for over a year, but in that moment I knew I was.

I watched as God walked towards me. He gently began to peel off layers of me that looked like my body. Hard, crusty layers that I had put up to keep people out, and to protect myself with. In that safe place I knew it was time. After the layers came off, He picked me up in His arms, like a baby, and began to walk up an endless flight of stairs. "I've got you," He whispered, "just breathe" as He just walked up the stairs, never hesitating, never wavering. His hair was so soft, like a pillow. I felt the world melt away as I laid my head on His shoulder and just let Him carry me.

We got to the top of the stairs and He said, "I have something to show you." As He set me down, two little boys ran up to greet me with hugs. In an instant I knew they were mine.


Two little boys, and they are beautiful. Timothy has dark brown hair like his daddy, and dark brown eyes. He likes it best when Jesus calls him Timmy. Titus has the whitest blond hair and blue-green eyes. He was very quiet and barely spoke, except to wipe my tears away and ask why I was crying. He likes to be called Ti-Ti. They showed me all their favorite places to play in Heaven. The pond where they can skip on top of the water, the places they like to play in the garden and the place their secret place where Jesus comes and hides with them. They have a cute little brown and white dog that follows them everywhere. Timothy told me that the angels came and carried them to Heaven. When they got there all the angels sang and cheered for them, then Jesus came and gave them big hugs. They met Grampa Thomas in the garden and took me to see him. I ran around playing with them for what seemed like forever and just a moment at the same time. They are so beautiful and full of life. They are amazing. It was so wonderful to hold them in my arms and give them so many kisses. They hugged me and held my hands and it was like we had known each other forever. They weren't sad when I left, they were with Jesus and they just laughed and told me to come back to play with them soon. They are perfect.


In that perfect moment, I knew that God was in control. That in all my sorrow and heartache, my two perfect boys were with Jesus, they were fine. I am so thankful that even in our darkest moments, God is always good.

 I will say it again,

  God is always good.

 We just don't get the opportunity to see it unless we 

CHOOSE

to look for it. Even in the darkest nights, we can see the beautiful, we just have to keep our eyes open and looking for God. 

Mother's Day

Gabriella had a weird rash on her so we didn't get to go to church or my mom's on Mother's Day :( 

Our house was being shown at 11 so after a couponing trip by myself (woo hoo!), we headed to the park. 

Made $1.96 profit by getting all this!!

Xander's first time playing at the park when he was big enough to actually play. 

Crazy hair on the tube slide

Pretty Munchie

a GIANT leaf we found

Matt's new friends!!

Xander and the geese

Waving good bye to the geese and baby geese

Matt having fun with the geese

Matt having some more fun on the monkey bars

Waiting in line at Dutch Brothers

Silly Roo!

My loves!

Silly kids!

Silly girlie

Matt made me this for Mother's Day

Headed out for an evening walk

Gabriella said, "We are sharing!"

Gabriella had a really bad wipe-out while we were walking

Xander was being silly and biting his stuffed animal to try and cheer Gabriella up (she spent most of the evening in tears)

A teary-eyed smile for Xander

Her elbow

and knee on Monday. We had to take her to the dr and to get an x-ray and it came back with no breaks (praise, Jesus!) just a really bad bone bruise. 

Resurrection Day

We woke up early this morning and got the kiddos up!

Gabriella being silly when she was looking in her Easter basket

Yep, still being silly. And Xander loved his Veggie Tales movie!

After a quick couponing trip we headed to church. 

Sleepy snuggles on daddy

Our family! 

Me and my dad!

Mom and I. Dad said we should take a picture with our glasses off so we humored him. 

Gabriella said, "now a picture of the girls. They are boys but we are girls!"

Mom and I were busy getting lunch ready and then Amy and Ariella showed up. 

A picture while Ariella was slicing veggies

Crazy picture!!

After some good laughs with Ariella, it was time for lunch. 

We tried something a little different and made our deviled eggs with plain organic greek yogurt instead of mayo. It had a sort of weird tang to it. Half of us liked it and the other half didn't. 

Xander LOVED his egg and yelled for more!

After lunch we celebrated Amy's birthday and then the kids hunted for Easter eggs filled with money!

We had to hunt inside because it was so rainy out. 

Gabriella and Ariella looking inside all their eggs. 

Mom and I switched wigs! 

Gabriella missed her nap today so she fell asleep after about 2 minutes in the car on the way home. She fell asleep holding the Happy Napper monkey that my parents had given her. 

It was a great Resurrection day. So nice to be with people we loved and just have some good laughs. 

Here is a little status update I shared on Facebook yesterday of something that happened Saturday night at our house that really humbled me and made me feel so blessed to be a parent:

Last night we sat the kids down and I talked to them about Easter and what it meant. After I explained about Jesus rising from the dead so we could live forever with Him in heaven, I told them that Jesus lives in Heaven and He can live in our hearts too. Gabriella closed her eyes, and said,"Jesus will You live in my heart? Okay." Her face turned bright red and her eyes lit up instantly. She got a huge smile on her face. I asked her if she could feel Jesus inside her and she nodded her head and laughed! We had talked about Jesus dying for all the bad things we do and how much He loves us. And she just asked Him into her heart. It was so awesome to get to watch the way she felt when He came to her as soon as she asked.

We'll Miss You, Don!

On Saturday, March 9th, we were on our way home from my parent's house when we got a phone call. Matt's dad had died. We headed straight to his house (his roommate had found him) and got there before the police even had.

He had fallen asleep on the couch, with his feet propped up, and just never woke up because his heart stopped. He looked so peaceful sitting there, his glasses were even on his face still.

I don't have much else to say. This week has been a blur. Matt and I are taking care of all his legal affairs (people, please get a will written up!).

I think the way Gabriella took the news sums it up best when we told her that Papa Don had gone to sleep and then he woke up with Jesus and that it was called dying and we wouldn't get to see him again until we went to Heaven.
"I miss Papa Don," she said as she threw herself into my arms for a hug. "But he is happy with Jesus now."

Until My Heart Caves In

I had a health scare these last few weeks. After two trips to the doctor and one to the lab for some blood work (with both kids in tow!), I finally have some answers..... and they are

GOOD!!

I have spent a large part of my life not feeling good, constantly having stomach troubles and feeling aggressive. 4 years ago it was nice to find out that 95% of my problems were being caused by PCOS (see my previous post for more info here). 

Two years ago today we went gluten-free, dairy-free and legume-free. It was a rough first couple of weeks. I'll be honest, I cried several times in the grocery store because I had no idea what to buy to feed my starving husband. He was a good sport about eating salad, lots and lots of salads!

Today (I won't go into all the messy details) I was so blessed to find out that my blood work, hormone, insulin and thyroid levels were all in "normal" range. Hallelujah!!! I have been out of range for years and have paperwork that declares me as infertile (now I have paperwork that says I am very fertile!). 

I am so in awe of God's 

amazing goodness 

right now. It has been a long road; one filled with tears, anger, brokenness, struggles, and heart-ache. I can't even begin to explain how much Matt and I have gone through in the last 7 years due to my health. I am so 

grateful

 for him and his support. It would have been impossible for me to go through everything by myself and I can't imagine a better person to support me through everything. 

On the way home (to rescue my mom who was graciously watching both my rambunctious kiddos for me), all the health changes that we have made two years ago began to flow back through my mind. I became so 

thankful 

that God has brought the PCOS book to my attention (here is a link to the book that I based my lifestyle and eating on now, and yes, I did read all 500 pages). I feel

  blessed 

to have Matt be so supportive me of and my health. He has championed and fought for me and my well-being on every occasion. 

Between being gluten-free, (mostly) dairy-free, eating limited amounts of grains, limited legumes, and my new  breakfast smoothie (a Budwig based smoothie designed to treat and prevent cancer. You can get more info here) I am feeling amazing (and my blood work proves it!). 

I know the road ahead won't be paved in gold and it will not be even ground, but I 

know 

that God is for me, He is the 

redeemer of all things, 

I will always have great friends and family that will support me, and I will be always looking ahead to the horizon and 

believing 

that He works all things together for my good. 

These song lyrics are the best words that I can find to express how I am feeling today:

If I had no voice,

If I had no tongue,

I would dance for you like the rising sun.

And when that day comes and I see your face.

I will shout your endless glorious praise.

You are the song I’m singing.

You are the air,

You are the air I’m breathing

You are the hope,

You are the hope I needed.

and

I'm a warrior

With a warrior's heart

And it burns for you

For you

My love is fierce 

(My love is fierce)

I'm a warrior

(I'm a warrior)

I would die for you

Give it all for you

I won't give up

I won't give up on you

I won't give up on you

I will sing your name 

Until my heart caves in

Until my heart caves in

Resurrection Weekend

Whew! What a crazy, busy weekend! 

Matt took us out for breakfast. It was nice to go out just the four of us and spend some time together!

After breakfast and nap we headed over to Gramma's house to play with James. Mom and dad got a new dryer this past week and saved the box it came in for the kids to make a house with ( you know you remember loving that as a kid!). Here I am taking a picture through the "sunroof"  of mom, James and Gabriella inside it together. 

Dinner was yummy and then it was time for dyeing eggs. The kids helped Gramma put the colors in the cups. 

Here's Xander with his egg. He is also sporting some of the decorative stickers on his face. 

"This egg is yellow!"

"Eeeeewwwwww!" 

Silly Grampa and Munchie!

Gabriella spent most of her time coloring eggs coloring the same egg in two different cups. She would take it out of one and then put it in the other then back into the first one, etc. So silly!

The kids got bored and the "big kids" finished up the eggs!

Easter morning. Xander is very excited! 

After church we headed back to Gramma's for more fun. Here's James standing on top of the box house. 

James tickling cousin Xander. 

Our family!

Riding a big girl bike!

Hunting for eggs! She knew what to do this year and got right to business!

"Purple egg! It is so cute!"

"Oooooh! Money!"

A little video of the egg hunt. Be sure to listen for Jonathan singing in the background. 

Ariella

Jonathan

James

Gabriella 

(Matt had my camera and took all the close up shots)

Grampa Ace and Uncle Lowell watching the egg hunt. 

We thought it was hilarious that they both squeezed onto the step to sit together. 

Jonathan showing how bullet casings can be used as nose plugs. 

All four grandkids

Playing baseball. 

April is up  to bat while James looks on from 3rd base.

Jonathan and Matt both trying to catch the ball. 

Gramma Goldie taking a go at it! I'm pretty sure this was a home-run shot! 

At home and ready for bed. She is wearing Daddy's shirt and showing me her number one from her number puzzle. 

Such a busy, crazy weekend. It is nice to spend time with family and enjoy the life that we have in Jesus. We shared with our kids about Jesus and the resurrection story this morning and then at church when we took communion Gabriella yelled, "Thank you, Jesus!" 

Its so special to me to see my kids growing up and loving Jesus already, He truly has given us all abundant life!