Totally Lost it

I lost it at church on Sunday. Like completely lost it. It was the crying, snotting, shaking kind of lost it. The kind of lost it where it was deeply needed.

Worship was great. I love worship. I love those moments where everything going on around me stops and it is just me and Jesus and all that matters is how much I love Him.

They started singing Hillsong's song "Forever Reign"

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in

 You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering

 You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting

 

Oh, I'm running to Your arms,
I'm running to Your arms.
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

 

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim

 You are here, You are here
 In Your presence I'm made whole

You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

 

Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

 

My heart will sing
 no other Name
Jesus, Jesus

 

Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough

 

 

I made it to the first line and got swept away. Everything around me faded and there I was, standing before my Love

"Do you believe that?" He asked me. "Do you believe that I am your hope and that I am good?"
"Of course," I replied.
"Do you believe that even when you cannot see Me?"
"Yes, I do" I whispered.
He pulled me close, "because I am. Even when you cannot see Me, I am always there and I am always good and I am always light."

Around me the song was still being sung, in a powerful, declarative way by the rest of the church. They were singing, "Nothing compares to Your embrace" as I let Jesus completely surround me. I love His arms, the way He smells and the way He holds me so gently and so strong.

Then I looked down. At the moment He surrounded me, so did my two sweet little boys. And that is when I lost it. Those two sweet little faces with their arms wrapped so tightly around my legs while Jesus held us all.

Then Jesus whispered, as He showed me a vision of hundreds of children. "I want them for you. Please don't let the sorrow from these boys make you lose them."

At this point I was very aware of how much I was shaking and crying and snotting everywhere. I felt two hands on my shoulders from the sweet ladies behind me. I stood there with my Love and my two boys until the song ended. It was such a sweet, broken moment for the four of us. And I was glad that I lost it.

God wrecks us because He is good. He wrecks us to show us His strength and His love. The way I feel when I am completely lost in Him is the most found feeling I've ever had. And that is something you can only understand if you have been there. If you haven't, ask God for it. He loves to bring us back from the brink with His extravagant love. Remember, He doesn't put us at the brink, He loves to pull us back from it. He is always good!

My heart will sing no other name, Jesus!

Marvelous Meatballs ~ Grain, dairy and sugar-free!

My parents brought us up some organic, grass fed ground beef last time they came to visit so I was trying to think of something to do with it. Then it hit me... meatballs!

Here is my attempt at a grain-free, dairy-free, no sweetener recipe. I have to admit, I think they are the best meatballs I have ever had. I loved the flavor and the texture!

Ingredients:
Mix together with your hands in a large bowl
1/2 cup Almond Flour
1 Tablespoon Organic Flax Oil
1 Tablespoon Spicy mustard (be sure to check the ingredients of your mustard to know what is in it! I used Trader Joe's Spicy Deli Mustard)
1 1/2 teaspoons sea salt
2 organic eggs
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 pound organic ground beef (93/7)

Once it is completely mixed up with your hands, form into balls that are about 1 inch in diameter.

With my recipe I was able to get 33 meatballs from it.

Then place on Parchment Paper and bake at 400 F for 30-45 minutes (or until the internal temp has reached 165F)

Here they are!

We ate ours for dinner with organic peas and some organic red quinoa that Gabriella picked out last time we were at Whole Foods.

These meatballs will definitely be on our menu again soon!

Reality

It's been 240 days.... two HUNDRED and fourty days. That seems like a long time when you think about it. A lot of things can happen and change in 240 days. But then again, a lot of things don't.

240 days ago we lost our twins at 9 weeks (you can read my post about it here ). 5,760 hours ago my heart stopped beating for a second as time stood still. 345,600 minutes ago everything changed. And 20,736,000 seconds have passed but sometimes it seems like it's only been 1.

Some days I feel like I am drowning, suffocating. Some days my throat is so tight with grief that I can barely breathe. 

I hate it. I hate the pain, the sorrow and the loss. I hate the way that I felt when it was "official" that they were gone.

I know that they are with Jesus. I know that they are happy and perfect and whole. I know that they know me and that they aren't missing me or sad. I know they are in a better place. But that doesn't change grief.

Grief doesn't care what we know. It doesn't go easy on us when we are broken. It doesn't take days off or cut us some slack. 20 million seconds and I still feel the same way I did.

I have moments where I'm not drowning in sorrow. I have moments of laughter and joy. I have moments where things seem "normal". But what really is normal? Normal would mean that all of our children would be here. Normal would mean we lived in a bigger place and drove a minivan with our 5 kids inside it. So things won't ever be normal for us.... not til heaven. Our reality is a broken one.

Reality for me makes me cry when I see babies. Reality shows that I will always have an empty spot in my arms, that our family will never be together until that glorious day when Jesus calls us all home, that I won't get to watch three of my children grow up, that I will miss out on all their milestones and "firsts" because Jesus was there for them instead. Reality is harsh and cold and hurtful. 

But reality doesn't get the final say. I can't choose my circumstances, and as much as I wish I had those sweet little boys here with me, I know that they are safe and happy with Jesus.

I know I will still have days of crippling grief, it comes in waves. The waves are getting a little further apart, but they are still coming. Grief is like an ocean; but at the same time I have always found comfort in the ocean. I cannot stand by or be near an ocean without an incredible sense of God's love and presence. So for that, I am thankful that as an ocean is how grief comes to me, because that is also how God comes to me. Ten Shekel Shirt sings a song where the lyrics say, "there's something about the ocean that makes me rise up and praise You." It is impossible for me to be lost in a sea of grief when that same sea causes me to praise the One who is always good.

So I am once again reminded, that even in my reality of life, God is always there. Even in the grief, He never leaves.

Creamy Tomato Soup ~ Dairy-free, Grain-free and sweetener free!

Today tomato soup sounded good. So I headed to my pantry to get ingredients. Unfortunately I found that my organic vegetable broth and organic tomato sauce had cane sugar of some sort in each of them. Bummer! Thankfully, I had my homemade chicken stock that I made last week (recipe here). So I grabbed some diced tomatoes and homemade stock and headed back to the kitchen.

Ingredients:

3 cans Organic Diced Tomatoes

 6 cups organic chicken stock

1 T garlic powder

1 1/2 tsp basil

2 tsp sea salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

3/4 c full fat Organic Coconut Milk )

Puree the tomatoes in a Food Processor or blender until mostly smooth.

Add the tomatoes and all other ingredients EXCEPT the coconut milk to a large pot on the stove.

Bring to a boil (stir regularly so it doesn't scald) and then turn down to med-low to simmer for 15-20 minutes.

After 15-20 minutes add in the 3/4 cup coconut milk and stir.

And there you go. Homemade grain, dairy and sweetener-free creamy tomato soup.

Here it is pictured with my bread medallions (also grain, dairy and sweetener-free). Get the recipe here to make your own.

Bread Medallions ~ Grain-free, Dairy-free, Sugar-free

I have been searching for an alternative to chips and think this is a fairly good start.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup Almond Flour

1/2 cup Organic Coconut Flour

1 tsp Chia Seeds

2 tsp Tapioca Flour

1 cup full fat Organic Coconut Milk 

1 1/2 cups unsweetened coconut milk (the kind in a box)

Mix your dry ingredients together then slowly pour in and mix in the liquids.

Here is my "batter"

The recipe I was trying to follow online said to fry it up in a frying pan.......

Not so much.... But I didn't consider it a total loss and used them as bread crumbs of sorts.

After the frying pan debaucle I got out my griddle and made them like small pancakes. I cooked them at 350-375 degrees F for quite a while. I also mashed them down with the spatula several times to help get the coconut flour inside to cook. It was tedious, but they turned out pretty good. I was pleasantly surprised.

They looked just like little pancakes. They had a very bread-like texture and a sweet taste to them (all from the coconut ingredients).

I ate them dipped in my homemade creamy tomato soup (also grain, dairy and sweetener-free). You can make your own here) And you will note the crumbled mess from the frying an made delicious "bread crumbs".

I posted the disaster side of this recipe so that you can see that even us, make our own recipes gals, have disasters and make huge messes. But, that's how we learn!

Homemade Organic Chicken Stock

I cooked up a whole chicken last night for dinner and it seemed like a waste to just throw away all the bones. So, after a quick phone call to mom to double check my plans, I threw the bones into my crockpot with some water and various vegetables I had lying around.

I used an onion, some parsley, whole garlic and carrots.

*Note: using odds and ends of vegetables that you have leftover from other things works great. Keeping odd parts of vegetables (or your pulp from juicing) and using those makes this practically free to make! If you store them in the freezer you can just grab them out when you are ready to make stock.

One your veggies are in, pile all the chicken bones on top.

Cover with water and a lid. Set your crockpot to low and walk away.

I let mine simmer on low for 36 hours. At 24 hours I pulled out the bones that were still intact and cut them in half (they cut very easily with a knife) then threw them back in so the marrow could come out.

Okay, 36 hours later I was ready to strain and can it.

I put an old t-shirt inside of my colander that was sitting inside a bowl.

Very carefully pour the contents of your crockpot into the strainer.

How mine looked after I lifted the colander and t-shirt out.

Now, for canning it.

Bring the stock to a boil and get your lids and rings sanitizing at the same time.

Gather all your other supplies:

Funnel, jar grabber, tongs, jar for ladling, clean jars, etc.

Fill each jar (I used pints) and leave 1 inch of head space.

I pressurized mine and cooked at 10lbs for 20 minutes (for the pints)

*Note: All Pressure Canners are different and the weight and time required is different for altitudes and canners. Be sure to check yours before you use it!

Once they are done, let the canner depressurize on its own. When it is done, carefully remove the lid and grab the jars out with your jar grabber.

Let them sit for 24 hours without disturbing to seal. If a jar doesn't seal you can freeze them or use them right away.

I yielded 8 pints of stock from bones that I was planning on throwing away anyways. I had all the veggies already so the only real cost was the lid, which is 10 cents each. 10 cents for a pint of organic, salt-free chicken stock is pretty crazy cheap!

Seriously?!

I've been having some serious digestive problems since July. After an endoscopy, colonoscopy, MRI and numerous doctor visits to numerous doctors I was officially diagnoses with IBS and sent home with three different antacids to take and some laxative.

Seriously?!

I am a hater of IBS. In my opinion (note: my opinion) it is a lazy diagnosis given by doctors. IBS is just a plethora of symptoms for which could mean any number of actual problems that can be addressed and fixed. So I headed to a natural doctor that was highly recommended by my friend Emily (check her story here at http://www.shechoosesjoy.blogspot.com/ ).

Hallelujah!

After just one appointment (which cost less than the copay I had for the scope procedures) he found that I had some serious stuff going on AND gave me the tools to correct/manage them!

Turns out I have the highest gluten intolerance possible (so thankful we went on the PCOS diet a few years back. I've been gluten free for 3 years now), and allergies/intolerances to milk, cheese, rye, spelt, wheat oats and cane sugar.  Plus two different types of bacteria in various parts of my guts, infection in my ovaries, parasites in my liver and candida in my ovaries and guts and my brain (which likely explains why I have terrible insomnia and feel tired all the time).

Yuck! After I found all that out I wanted to go back to the doctor who said IBS and smack him in the face with my diagnosis paper and maybe my hand (I know, not what Jesus would do, just being honest. And the feeling passed and I didn't go smack him).

Okay, so here we are 4 days and several meltdowns later.

Did you know that cane sugar is in everything? I mean, I went through my pantry and found evaporated cane juice in my bread mix, cane juice in my organic tomato sauce, Better than Bouillon, organic vegetable broth, etc.

So I've been making literally everything from scratch the last 4 days. But, I am already feeling better. The first night I had the worst stomach pain, oh, it was awful! And my muscles ached for two days. I figured I was sugar detoxing so I took a 45 minute detox bath (2 cups Epsom salt, 1 cup Baking Soda and 1 Tablespoon ground ginger mixed into as hot of a bath as you can stand and stay in for 45 minutes) on Sunday night and that helped with the muscle aches quite a bit. I haven't taken a single dose of antacid or laxative since before my appointment and my digestive system is working better than it has in months! Praise Jesus!!

So for now I am not eating any sugar. I have honey and maple syrup on hand if I want it, and am working on getting some dried and fresh Stevia leaves to work with, but so far I have had no sweetener for 4 days. I do eat fruit still, but only as part of a meal and not for snack or when I am craving something sweet. I eat a lot of fresh or juiced veggies and am eating mostly grain free as well.

I'll be posting recipes in the next day or two. But for now I am going to go sit down and take a break while the kids are napping and drink some more water.

Just wanted to keep everyone posted on what is going on and where I am headed.