Reality

It's been 240 days.... two HUNDRED and fourty days. That seems like a long time when you think about it. A lot of things can happen and change in 240 days. But then again, a lot of things don't.

240 days ago we lost our twins at 9 weeks (you can read my post about it here ). 5,760 hours ago my heart stopped beating for a second as time stood still. 345,600 minutes ago everything changed. And 20,736,000 seconds have passed but sometimes it seems like it's only been 1.

Some days I feel like I am drowning, suffocating. Some days my throat is so tight with grief that I can barely breathe. 

I hate it. I hate the pain, the sorrow and the loss. I hate the way that I felt when it was "official" that they were gone.

I know that they are with Jesus. I know that they are happy and perfect and whole. I know that they know me and that they aren't missing me or sad. I know they are in a better place. But that doesn't change grief.

Grief doesn't care what we know. It doesn't go easy on us when we are broken. It doesn't take days off or cut us some slack. 20 million seconds and I still feel the same way I did.

I have moments where I'm not drowning in sorrow. I have moments of laughter and joy. I have moments where things seem "normal". But what really is normal? Normal would mean that all of our children would be here. Normal would mean we lived in a bigger place and drove a minivan with our 5 kids inside it. So things won't ever be normal for us.... not til heaven. Our reality is a broken one.

Reality for me makes me cry when I see babies. Reality shows that I will always have an empty spot in my arms, that our family will never be together until that glorious day when Jesus calls us all home, that I won't get to watch three of my children grow up, that I will miss out on all their milestones and "firsts" because Jesus was there for them instead. Reality is harsh and cold and hurtful. 

But reality doesn't get the final say. I can't choose my circumstances, and as much as I wish I had those sweet little boys here with me, I know that they are safe and happy with Jesus.

I know I will still have days of crippling grief, it comes in waves. The waves are getting a little further apart, but they are still coming. Grief is like an ocean; but at the same time I have always found comfort in the ocean. I cannot stand by or be near an ocean without an incredible sense of God's love and presence. So for that, I am thankful that as an ocean is how grief comes to me, because that is also how God comes to me. Ten Shekel Shirt sings a song where the lyrics say, "there's something about the ocean that makes me rise up and praise You." It is impossible for me to be lost in a sea of grief when that same sea causes me to praise the One who is always good.

So I am once again reminded, that even in my reality of life, God is always there. Even in the grief, He never leaves.

Our Twins

It's been a rough week. Without going into a lot of details, it sums up simply as: I had a miscarriage with twins. I was heartbroken to say the least. Tears flowed and flowed and no matter how I tried I just couldn't stop them.

Looking for God in the situation was so difficult. In my grief, I continued to look at Him. His eyes were hidden from me, but I knew they were on me. It was a "dark night of the soul" moment for me, a testing of all that was instilled in me this last year.

After three days of silence from God, He met me in the most beautiful moment.

I was at our church's women's retreat and lying down in the soaking room. I didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to show my tears, and didn't want to have to pretend like I was fine. As I laid on the floor I saw myself surrounded by angels. Angels who were gentle and strong. I stood there surrounded by them and just breathed, in and out, as everything around me came to a stop. All the swirling emotions and thoughts from the last few days and the last year. One of the angels whispered to me, "this is a safe place", and I knew they were right. I haven't been in a safe place for over a year, but in that moment I knew I was.

I watched as God walked towards me. He gently began to peel off layers of me that looked like my body. Hard, crusty layers that I had put up to keep people out, and to protect myself with. In that safe place I knew it was time. After the layers came off, He picked me up in His arms, like a baby, and began to walk up an endless flight of stairs. "I've got you," He whispered, "just breathe" as He just walked up the stairs, never hesitating, never wavering. His hair was so soft, like a pillow. I felt the world melt away as I laid my head on His shoulder and just let Him carry me.

We got to the top of the stairs and He said, "I have something to show you." As He set me down, two little boys ran up to greet me with hugs. In an instant I knew they were mine.


Two little boys, and they are beautiful. Timothy has dark brown hair like his daddy, and dark brown eyes. He likes it best when Jesus calls him Timmy. Titus has the whitest blond hair and blue-green eyes. He was very quiet and barely spoke, except to wipe my tears away and ask why I was crying. He likes to be called Ti-Ti. They showed me all their favorite places to play in Heaven. The pond where they can skip on top of the water, the places they like to play in the garden and the place their secret place where Jesus comes and hides with them. They have a cute little brown and white dog that follows them everywhere. Timothy told me that the angels came and carried them to Heaven. When they got there all the angels sang and cheered for them, then Jesus came and gave them big hugs. They met Grampa Thomas in the garden and took me to see him. I ran around playing with them for what seemed like forever and just a moment at the same time. They are so beautiful and full of life. They are amazing. It was so wonderful to hold them in my arms and give them so many kisses. They hugged me and held my hands and it was like we had known each other forever. They weren't sad when I left, they were with Jesus and they just laughed and told me to come back to play with them soon. They are perfect.


In that perfect moment, I knew that God was in control. That in all my sorrow and heartache, my two perfect boys were with Jesus, they were fine. I am so thankful that even in our darkest moments, God is always good.

 I will say it again,

  God is always good.

 We just don't get the opportunity to see it unless we 

CHOOSE

to look for it. Even in the darkest nights, we can see the beautiful, we just have to keep our eyes open and looking for God.