Friday, June 28, 2013

A Week of Healing

It's been a week of healing. I've spent most of my time at home, laying low and having lots of snuggles and giggles with my kiddos.

My morning sickness/nausea has mostly passed, my stomach is almost back to normal and my physical pain is mostly gone. My heart is slowly healing and I am so thankful for all of the prayers and love that everyone has sent my way.

Gabriella and Xander have been so sweet to me. Gabriella has a very sensitive little heart and she can tell when something is wrong. She has been giving me lots of hugs and comes over randomly and rubs my head. It is hard to be too sad with such a sweet little girlie loving on me all day. 

We did go for a visit to Gramma and Grampa's house. The kids had some popcorn and watched "A Snoodle's Tale" (Veggie Tales movie). 

I'm going to be teaching a couponing workshop tomorrow and was getting the projector hooked up to my computer to show my slideshow. After I was done I put on a Veggie Tales movie and put it up on the ceiling. Gabriella came out and saw it and said, "wow! That's amazing!"

Xander laughed and laughed when Matt held him up to the ceiling. He thought it was great fun to be able to grab at the giant vegetables. 

While we move on with our lives, it is hard knowing that we are missing two little parts of it. But I also take comfort through my tears, knowing that those two little parts we are missing are perfect and safe. They are with Jesus. In the time between now and seeing them forever, it is just a blink to them. They aren't sad or missing me. They are happy and joyful, completely full of love and life. 

This sums it up nicely. 

We will always love you, Timmy and Titus, and look forward to holding you again!
~Love Mommy and Daddy

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Our Twins

It's been a rough week. Without going into a lot of details, it sums up simply as: I had a miscarriage with twins. I was heartbroken to say the least. Tears flowed and flowed and no matter how I tried I just couldn't stop them.

Looking for God in the situation was so difficult. In my grief, I continued to look at Him. His eyes were hidden from me, but I knew they were on me. It was a "dark night of the soul" moment for me, a testing of all that was instilled in me this last year.

After three days of silence from God, He met me in the most beautiful moment.

I was at our church's women's retreat and lying down in the soaking room. I didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to show my tears, and didn't want to have to pretend like I was fine. As I laid on the floor I saw myself surrounded by angels. Angels who were gentle and strong. I stood there surrounded by them and just breathed, in and out, as everything around me came to a stop. All the swirling emotions and thoughts from the last few days and the last year. One of the angels whispered to me, "this is a safe place", and I knew they were right. I haven't been in a safe place for over a year, but in that moment I knew I was.

I watched as God walked towards me. He gently began to peel off layers of me that looked like my body. Hard, crusty layers that I had put up to keep people out, and to protect myself with. In that safe place I knew it was time. After the layers came off, He picked me up in His arms, like a baby, and began to walk up an endless flight of stairs. "I've got you," He whispered, "just breathe" as He just walked up the stairs, never hesitating, never wavering. His hair was so soft, like a pillow. I felt the world melt away as I laid my head on His shoulder and just let Him carry me.

We got to the top of the stairs and He said, "I have something to show you." As He set me down, two little boys ran up to greet me with hugs. In an instant I knew they were mine.

Two little boys, and they are beautiful. Timothy has dark brown hair like his daddy, and dark brown eyes. He likes it best when Jesus calls him Timmy. Titus has the whitest blond hair and blue-green eyes. He was very quiet and barely spoke, except to wipe my tears away and ask why I was crying. He likes to be called Ti-Ti. They showed me all their favorite places to play in Heaven. The pond where they can skip on top of the water, the places they like to play in the garden and the place their secret place where Jesus comes and hides with them. They have a cute little brown and white dog that follows them everywhere. Timothy told me that the angels came and carried them to Heaven. When they got there all the angels sang and cheered for them, then Jesus came and gave them big hugs. They met Grampa Thomas in the garden and took me to see him. I ran around playing with them for what seemed like forever and just a moment at the same time. They are so beautiful and full of life. They are amazing. It was so wonderful to hold them in my arms and give them so many kisses. They hugged me and held my hands and it was like we had known each other forever. They weren't sad when I left, they were with Jesus and they just laughed and told me to come back to play with them soon. They are perfect.

In that perfect moment, I knew that God was in control. That in all my sorrow and heartache, my two perfect boys were with Jesus, they were fine. I am so thankful that even in our darkest moments, God is always good.

 I will say it again,

  God is always good.

 We just don't get the opportunity to see it unless we 
to look for it. Even in the darkest nights, we can see the beautiful, we just have to keep our eyes open and looking for God. 

Monday, June 17, 2013

Father's Day 2013

This Father's Day was a little different than others. Matt's first Father's Day without his dad :(

We met up with his bro, Zac and his wife and all our kiddos and headed up to Papa Don's favorite camping/hunting spot. It was a LONG drive...... and unfortunately Gabriella and I both get car sick so we were driving very slowly. But, we finally made it!
Xander eating some lunch in the car

Zac made a memorial cross and the guys took turns digging a hole to put it in while the boys watched. 

Levi was filling in the dirt around the cross and the kids all helped get rocks to put around the base to help hold it in place. 

Zac and Matt also got a can of Don's fav beer, a pack a cigarettes, Noah added an American flag, Ely and Gabriella picked some yellow flowers and Matt and Xander found the rhododendrons to leave. It turned out really nice. 

Matt talking to the kids about Papa Don. 

I can see why he liked it up here so much. It was so beautiful!

The kids had a snack and a juice box while Matt and Zac took a little walk. 

Xander has only seen Levi a handful of times, but he sure was snuggling up with him today. It was so cute!! 

The kids crashed out about 5 minutes down the mountain and Matt and I had a really nice talk. 

The kids woke up fussy when we got on the freeway so we decided to make an icecream run!

Gabriella was giving hers kisses, lol!

Xander's first ice cream cone!

The kids were crazy sticky when we got home so we turned on the sprinkler. They had fun playing in it with Matt!

After dinner and a bath, the kids were in their jammies and discovered a fun new way to play with daddy! 

Yard Sale

Friday afternoon the kids and I started setting up for our annual summer yard sale. 
Xander was trying to push a table after watching me move them around. I love how he just went for it!

Playing with a pair of great-grampa's old and broken glasses!

How much I got done Friday before Matt even got home! Setting up, running and cleaning up a yard sale is a lot of work!

Gabriella trying out Papa Don's old Ab exerciser on Saturday morning. We had SO MANY people show up an hour before we even opened!! It was crazy!

We had to load up the truck and return the tables to the church and drop off our leftovers to a thrift store. Gabriella was riding on Matt's lap. When we stopped for him to pick up one of our yard sale signs he set her on Xander's lap. Xander didn't even budge. He just sucked his thumb while she sat on him and giggled. 

Friday, June 14, 2013

Love My Munchie!

Just love my sweet Munchie!!

I am so blessed to be her mommy. She sure gives me a run for my money, but she makes me laugh at least 50 times a day! 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Family Campout!

We finally got to have our first family vacation and camping trip of the year! It was so fun and relaxing!!!

Xander was "helping" me pack

We headed over to Valley of the Rogue State Park (woohoo, only a 15 minute drive from GP!) and took dinner with us. After we got dinner eaten and cleaned up we headed for a walk on the Rogue River walking trail. 

Friday the kids didn't fall asleep until 11:30pm and woke up at 5:30 am! Yikes!!

Matt took the kids down to the river in their jammies while mom and I got breakfast going. 

Brave girl going in the water with daddy!

After breakfast we played a little game. 

Mom, Gabriella and I played cards while the guys all ran to a few yard sales. 

It was SO hot!! Gabriella sweated it out in the tent for about 20 minutes at nap time before she woke up crying. She cried for about 40 minutes after she woke up saying over and over, "I just don't know what the matter is!"

A wet scarf on her head and a brownie made her cheer up!

Xander's creepy eye half open while he sleeps!

Dad trying to cool off with a wet scarf. 

Matt took Xander in the airconditioned trailer to try and sleep. We went in a couple hours later to get a snack and Matt opened his eye at us. Gabriella immediately ran over, patted him on the arm and said very quietly and sweetly, "It's okay daddy, just go back to sleep."

Love this silly face!

Xander trying to take Josie for a walk. 

Love this crazy boy!!

Carol  Squared!!

This might just be my new favorite picture!


Daddy and Xander!

Silly girls!!

Roasting her first marshmallow


Gabriella picked Ariella to brush her teeth. 

Saturday night the kids crashed out so quick! Gabriella actually told Matt to stop talking to her because she was tired and wanted to sleep!

Sleepy girl!

Xander crashed out after some milky. 

Xander going crazy in the tent in the morning (he slept til 8:30, yay!) and Gabriella still sound asleep. 

Just wearing Ariella's glasses. 

Having a morning snack

Gabriella after Ariella did her make-up!

Silly cousins!

We decided to leave camp early and head to my parent's house for lunch and swimming (we were tired of sweating so much the day before!!)

Gabriella ready to get in the pool!


Swimming in the turtle floaty!

Both kids crashed out about 4 miles down the road on the way home. 

We had such a great weekend and a fun trip! I sure love my family!!