Looking for God in the situation was so difficult. In my grief, I continued to look at Him. His eyes were hidden from me, but I knew they were on me. It was a "dark night of the soul" moment for me, a testing of all that was instilled in me this last year.
After three days of silence from God, He met me in the most beautiful moment.
I was at our church's women's retreat and lying down in the soaking room. I didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to show my tears, and didn't want to have to pretend like I was fine. As I laid on the floor I saw myself surrounded by angels. Angels who were gentle and strong. I stood there surrounded by them and just breathed, in and out, as everything around me came to a stop. All the swirling emotions and thoughts from the last few days and the last year. One of the angels whispered to me, "this is a safe place", and I knew they were right. I haven't been in a safe place for over a year, but in that moment I knew I was.
I watched as God walked towards me. He gently began to peel off layers of me that looked like my body. Hard, crusty layers that I had put up to keep people out, and to protect myself with. In that safe place I knew it was time. After the layers came off, He picked me up in His arms, like a baby, and began to walk up an endless flight of stairs. "I've got you," He whispered, "just breathe" as He just walked up the stairs, never hesitating, never wavering. His hair was so soft, like a pillow. I felt the world melt away as I laid my head on His shoulder and just let Him carry me.
We got to the top of the stairs and He said, "I have something to show you." As He set me down, two little boys ran up to greet me with hugs. In an instant I knew they were mine.
Two little boys, and they are beautiful. Timothy has dark brown hair like his daddy, and dark brown eyes. He likes it best when Jesus calls him Timmy. Titus has the whitest blond hair and blue-green eyes. He was very quiet and barely spoke, except to wipe my tears away and ask why I was crying. He likes to be called Ti-Ti. They showed me all their favorite places to play in Heaven. The pond where they can skip on top of the water, the places they like to play in the garden and the place their secret place where Jesus comes and hides with them. They have a cute little brown and white dog that follows them everywhere. Timothy told me that the angels came and carried them to Heaven. When they got there all the angels sang and cheered for them, then Jesus came and gave them big hugs. They met Grampa Thomas in the garden and took me to see him. I ran around playing with them for what seemed like forever and just a moment at the same time. They are so beautiful and full of life. They are amazing. It was so wonderful to hold them in my arms and give them so many kisses. They hugged me and held my hands and it was like we had known each other forever. They weren't sad when I left, they were with Jesus and they just laughed and told me to come back to play with them soon. They are perfect.
In that perfect moment, I knew that God was in control. That in all my sorrow and heartache, my two perfect boys were with Jesus, they were fine. I am so thankful that even in our darkest moments, God is always good.
I will say it again,
God is always good.
We just don't get the opportunity to see it unless we
CHOOSE
to look for it. Even in the darkest nights, we can see the beautiful, we just have to keep our eyes open and looking for God.
Emily, I am so sorry for your loss. Wonderful that you got to see your babies and know that they are perfect and happy.
ReplyDeleteI was always told that I was the last of seven children. My dad died when I was twenty-five. A year later I went back to Iowa to see my mom and visit my dad's grave. We went to plant iris on the grave. That was the first time I saw the gravestone. I looked and it said "Parents of eight children." I asked my mom and she said our first child was a girl that was stillborn. She had a tear in here eye as she said it. Forty-three years later she still missed that little girl. Since then she has passed and is now in heaven with that litte one. God is healing you, but you will never forget those two boys and your love for them. In the span of eternity, you won't have long to wait to be with them.